Your Wretched Life

You take
but don't know how to give.
Alive
but you can't seem to live.
You lie
until the truth is gone.
Sing
with no tune for your song.
You look
and still can't seem to see,
Beauty
inside of anything.
You feel
but only for yourself.
Sitting
stagnant on a shelf.
You hate
because you know love not.
Death
means nothing if the sun is hot.
You kill
and far too easily.
LIfe
is a commodity.
You lost
your soul too long ago
Spinning
violent without control.
And I wish
you would understand
What it means
to be a man.

Untitled as of yet

It's all I ever wanted;
it's all and somehow more.
It's beautiful and perfect,
it's true and strong and pure.
This feeling in my bones,
in my heart and in my head;
this feeling that I know
I'll never get to feel again.
I used to think "the one"
was a fable, was a lie--
only real in fairy tales
to make sweet women cry.
But then I found you,
found my love,
found the substance
dreams are made of.
So never will I want again
to feel another on my skin.
Never will my dreams be dark
for you have opened up my heart.
I love you now
and tomorrow the same
I'll love you until
the world has no name.
Until the sun
is empty space,
until the very
end of days.
And I know you don't feel for me
the way I feel for you
so you'll keep searching, diligent,
to find a love as true.
So go my love
please go and find
whatever it is
you lack inside.
Whatever it is
I could not be,
love her now
instead of me.
I promise I'll be fine;
I know I'll be alright
because my heart has felt
a love for which others pine.
Because all good things shall meet their end
and this, our end has come,
just know I'll look for love no more
for you, you were my one.

Poetic Manifesto

Someone I knew once asked me
what it was that I believed.
"In everything; in nothing"
was the answer I conceived.
I believe in rock and roll,
in the smell right after rain,
in poetry, in music,
that none of us are sane.
I believe in kindness,
in giving what you get;
in Karma, retribution,
in peace and love and sex.
I believe in yin and yang;
in harmony, content.
I believe in blissfulness
when not a dime is spent.
I believe in physics
and that all of us are one,
fighting for our names
underneath the rising sun.
I believe in learning
so much more than being taught.
I believe we're everything
and also that we're naught.
I believe in melodies
which play within our heads,
in what it is that's done
so much more than what is said.
I believe in being
and in being on your own;
in learning how to smile
even when you're all alone.
I believe in highways
and in backwoods country roads,
I believe feet should be bare
with sand between the toes.
There is no good or bad,
only wrong and right:
An infinity of color
instead of black and white.
I believe that childhood
plays part in who we are
but if all you do is blame it,
you won't get very far.
I believe in math, in art,
in birds and grass and trees,
that we all take life for granted,
and there's no such thing as weeds.
And my beliefs might differ
from most people you will meet
but isn't that the beauty
of the things which we believe?

My Wish for Her Monster

She dreamed of what her life would be,
she dreamed of her first love--
And all of that was taken
on a night she still dreams of.
For every time her eyes go quiet
when she lays down to sleep,
the memory haunts her nightmares
and in the dark she screams.
Though, true some hurt will dull in time,
her scars may fade in years--
She has lived to see the day
she lived out her worst fears.

I don't know your name or who you are
but your actions I know clearly;
And if judgment or karma or justice is real
dear boy you will pay dearly.
Few people exist upon whom I wish harm
and on fewer still I wish pain,
but the nightmare she relives each night,
I hope you dream the same.
I hope each time you close your eyes
her face is in your mind;
Look on it well and you will see
the fear in all her lines.
I hope you feel her sorrow
the anguish you have made,
so never can you forgive yourself
for the night of baby's rape.

Satellites and Deer

Standing on the cold concrete
while all the world is fast asleep.
To greet the morning, just the birds;
to hear their song, just a girl.
And a solitary satellite who peaks between the clouds:
just a distant memory, just a woeful sound.
Stars have faded into night;
a lonely planet reflects the light
and everything will be alright
she knows, in time, but not tonight.
Through the haze a doe appears
appeasing all her thoughts and fears
for in the calm is comfort; in the silence, strength--
In the hour the sun will rise and greet the day at length.
It doesn’t quite make sense,
then again, most things are queer...
It’s benign events which make us smile
like satellites and deer.

The Man Unseen

I wish that you could understand,
I wish that you could be the man
I know is living somewhere inside--
can't understand why you make him hide.
Keep him tamed with lock and key
fettered behind reality.
Shed a single tear for him
each night behind my eyes;
I see the man that you could be
and my soul, silent, cries.
You're braver than you comprehend,
you're stronger than you know...
I see your great potential
and I can't let you go.
Maybe when you're older, wise
you'll see yourself but through my eyes;
see the man kept in your head
and live your life as him instead.
And even if it's not with me
please be the man you're meant to be,
for the world would be at such a loss
to never know the you of my thoughts.
Know all I say and all I do
is simply 'cause I care for you
and I will wait for eternity and time
in hopes, that man in you would be mine.
I wish that you could only see
I wish only that you could be
the man inside your own sweet dreams;
the man of your reality...
I know somewhere in your reflection
you see the man you wish you were.
You see as clearly as I see him in you
just as strong, just as sure.
So I pray you find him, I know you will
I haven't a doubt in my mind.
And you shouldn't have to search the world
to find that man inside.

Tangled Webs and Tangos (written a little while ago, but I like it)

You are hurting her
And you’re killing me;
What a sorry two step--
Your dance of deceit.
And you lie to her
When you lie with me;
What a very sordid,
Tangled web you have weaved.
I won’t be your other
I will only be your one,
So I will only love you
When her love is done.

You tell me to be patient
And you tell me to be strong
But I won’t wait forever,
Turn around and I’ll be gone.
You say you want to see it play out
But how else can it end
When you play her,
Like you have played her?

Mon cher, I’d swim the ocean--
I swear I’d walk for days
If you were on the other side,
If it’s you this time who’ll wait.
But I will bow out gracefully
And I’ll accept defeat
If you tell me that you love her
More than you love me.

Darling love don’t lie to me,
I’ve been lied to in the past
And if all you have are gilded lies
Then take all your love back.
I don’t want to wait for you
If you’ll never be with me;
I don’t want to see it through
If you’ll end up cheating me too
Like you always do.

They look at me with hateful eyes
But you’re the one who’s telling lies.
The words they use like acid scar;
A hundred knives into my heart.
They tell me I should think of her
But no one ever thinks of me.
The only wrong I ever did
Was fall for you and not break free.

You will lose her;
You will lose me.
Not a threat,
Just the simple reality.
It’s hurting you
And it’s killing me
To watch us die
For this toxic dream.

You are hurting her
And you’re killing me;
I cannot keep in time with you
For I have two left feet.
My love, I cannot lie with you
It’s you who lies to me;
Caught up like a butterfly
Inside the web you weaved.
I won’t be your other
I will only be your one,
So I can never love you,
I will never love you
I am done.

The Internal Battle

To say the words, it isn’t hard
but lost somewhere between head and heart
they stick like tar tight to my throat
as Reason forms her mighty mote
to keep me from my own downfall
She never lets me love at all.
For if I say them and they’re said
the dream is, in an instant, dead.
Yes, those are words one can’t unsay—
words to take your breath away,
words which launch ships to the sea,
words never meant for you and me.
Yet, long to say them, know I do
I’ve never meant them before you.
Though somehow simpler they were to state
before they carried such a weight.
If I could screw my courage to some mighty sticking place
I would sing them to the world, and harder, to your face.
Should I risk that which we are
to put my fate on shooting stars;
for if you didn’t feel the same
all my love would be in vain.
So for now I’ll keep still the words
which nigh could change my fragile world.

Citizen

Please do not think for yourself--
regurgitate the truth.
Two decades to indoctrinate
and caref'ly cite their proof.
The truth is what they make it
for they define the lies.
Smile as your trigger's pulled
so they won't see you cry.
Learn to stay your questions
and never break the chain.
If everybody does it
then no one feels the shame.
You matter only when you make
a somebody of you.
Learn their falsehoods early
and give to them your youth.
Only think when spoken to;
only speak when told.
Cross your heart and bow your head;
the dealers never fold.
Only look when asked to see;
only know when taught,
but please don't be original
or all this is for naught.
They claim the name of freedom
and righteous moral ground,
measuring their sins
with gold and flesh by pounds.
They tip the scales of justice
to walk in shades of gray:
rape and steal and murder--
but don't forget to pray.
Pray to their God and to their truth
and one day, son, you'll be of use.

The Mindset of Man

There is no peace, there is no love; the only thing that's real
is that which we can quantify and not that which we feel.
Build monuments unto our own to leave our mark on earth
but some day all that which we build will crumble back to dirt.
We'll take until there's nothing left; 'til nothing more remains,
yet, still, we'd take it and for what? It isn't to sustain.
We are no more than sparrows winging wayward to the sun;
no more than tiny atoms come together, firm as one.

There is no peace, no single shred of placid, calm content
unless we feel we've mattered to some bleak, minute extent.
Long after life has left our eyes and blood has left our veins
the worms will eat what's left of us 'til nothing more remains.
Food for worms which feed the birds who scatter out the seeds
that grow the trees who make the air your children need to breathe.
No better, we, than field mice making lives to be destroyed;
no better than the specks of dust which fill this hellish void.

What makes man so entitled: the king of all which is.
Why can't we just be happy? Why can't we just exist?
Exist until we die and when we die then we are dead
and all we've done and all we are dies in our weary heads.

Hell and Heisenberg

Nothing is for certain, no, nothing is for sure
and the heaven I once dreamt of, I don't want it anymore
Impossible to know
what happens in the dark.
Impossible to show:
is Love the head or heart?
Like ships that sail on clouds and sea
can we view what isn't there?
If you do not know, you cannot see
but stand with vacant stares.
Burnt and bloody, bruised and beat;
you can't melt ice without the heat.
Ashes to ashes neat in the tray;
hard to live above the fray.
It could be here, it could be there:
you cannot know without the sight--
you really could be anywhere
when shrouded by the night.
Peaked behind the curtain, not heaven, it was Oz
And now I know for certain: Hell's where we belong.

Humiliation and Healing

For Caitlin: may he be but a bitter line in a memoir otherwise filled with love and beauty

I thought that someday I'd be strong,
I thought that I'd be fine,
but someday can't come soon enough
when all you have is time.
It's funny, though you've won the battle,
I will win the war;
for though you were my everything,
another will be more.
You're something less than human
yet, you think you're far above.
You, my friend, are lonely:
incapable of love.
Of myself I make a fool;
lose composure, lose my pride,
but you have lost much more than that
you're empty deep inside.
So next time cavalries should meet
I will not surrender or retreat.
I will look you in the eyes
and sweetly will I say,
"I wish you all which you deserve
and have a pleasant day."
For you'll deserve whatever comes,
whatever your life brings:
You will get your fire
and I will get my wings.
And maybe I'm still hurting;
still fragile and afraid,
but none of that can be as bad
as the bed, yourself, you've made.

For Cryin' Out Loud

For crying out loud, for crying out loud—
Half this damn world is crying out loud!
Babe got no mama now mom with no papa:
Works for two weeks to make less than a dollar.
Saves all she gets to send it back home.
Some day they’ll come but for now she’s alone
No food to eat she sleeps out on the street,
Pleads for some kindness from strangers she meets
His dad kicked him out when he was fifteen
For five lonely years, begs for change as he bleeds.
Depressed and confused and hating her life,
She writes on her arms with the point of a knife.
Up on the bridge he looks down on the water
Today he’s a man; tomorrow a martyr.
Raped by her elder abused by her chief
Every night she cries herself to sleep.

For crying out loud, for crying out loud—
Half this damn world is crying out loud!
Slowly the glimmer fades out of his eyes
Losing to AIDs in the fight of his life
Make up and smiles as hard as she tries
Can’t mask the bruises she’s keeping inside
Pretends he don’t know where she’s goin’ each night
He hates this but loves her—pretends they’re alright
She dances at night to pay all her bills
Tries to escape and gets high on some pills
Stands on the corner; prays for relief
She’s selling her soul for a few bites to eat
A gun on his belt, a grenade in his hand,
Just ten years old but he kills like a man.
Innocent blood spilt in ignorant hate
Violence your censors can never erase

Every heart, every eye, every voice is starting to cry
For crying out loud—jut say it aloud
Every soul is crying out loud…

Drive

The proposition’s simple just an easy evening ride
through twists and turns and bridges down into the country side
where magpies squawk and cattle moo--
Misty rays of light come shining through;
Where left is right and up is down
as I’m driving through this town.

Searching for the tree of life on roads I’ve never known.
Wondering where I’m going next; how far I am from home.
Hide away and hide it well
through the paths and hazel dells.
Completely dry but I almost drown
as I’m driving through this town.

Thirty, forty, fifty-five; last thing I want to do is drive.
It’s fucked up just how numb you feel when you realize you’re alive.
I’m flying blindly in endless night,
on and on till the next red light.
Feels like time is slowing down
as I’m driving through this town.

Passing things I know that I barely recognize:
trees and signs and yellow lines melt together in my eyes.
I’d stop but will pushes me: go faster
fighting to see who’s slave, who’s master?
Am I to be the king or clown
as I’m driving through this town?

Scenery floats in waves as I stand still in this place;
paranoid that all I’m feeling’s written on my face.
Afraid to look away or blink,
like something’s always on the brink--
But everything is safe and sound
as I’m driving through this town.

Swirling shades of evening rest inside my weary head.
I wonder if I’m dreaming and I wonder if I’m dead.
Removed from time, removed from space,
removed from all but this very place.
I feel the whole world spinning round
as I’m driving through this town.

Odd how you can be so lost but know exactly where you are;
I can’t even see the sky I’m too entranced in all the stars.
Roll it down wind hits my cheek,
I cannot bring myself to speak.
Not quite glad, but I can’t frown
as I’m driving through this town.

Heroine

I cannot let you in my veins or deep into my heart;
Darling if I fell for you, you know I'd fall apart.
You're beautiful, cerebral, and almost like a god,
but in your new religion you are all I just nod.
I wish that we could marry and I would be your wife
but given time and weakness, you'd take from me my life.
Wish you could be my hero, I, your heroine divine,
but I've known too many heroes who turned out to be a lie.
For if I ever loved you, loved you even for a day,
my whole world would vanish; my life would fade away.
And though the rush I'd feel would be deeper than a high,
I cannot let me love you, not even for a night.
For loves like you adorn my past with fallacies and pain;
I can't traverse that road, can't walk down that path again.
I've spiraled like a shooting star in shadow of the moon,
I cannot fall so far so fast, not again so soon.
You'd be pulsing through my blood, a part of what I am,
yet, you'd lead me into slaughter, Love, and I am not your lamb.
I will not be your Juliet, I can't lay down and die;
in your tragedy you die alone and to the sun I fly.
Love, I know you, what you are, and how your poison scars:
you taint the simple melody and black out all the stars.
I saw the poor soul you loved last, despondent and strung out,
praying for a savior, though she wasn't a devout.
And the love before, you left alone; gluing back the shards
of the life she used to know 'fore your love tore it apart.
So from your sordid past I'll learn:
run before there's a bridge to burn
I am not your heroine, my hero you cannot be;
for I would lose my life, Love, if I let you love me.

For Judas

Ever since I heard your story--
Spun and slandered, void of glory--
I wondered why they hated you;
Can’t they see they’re sinners too?
For years you patiently obeyed
But all that matters is whom you betrayed.
A simple kiss for a simpler coin;
A necessary evil you couldn’t avoid.
If God has a plan innately divine,
You were just one soul entwined.
Maybe your part was already written--
And maybe you have been forgiven.
But no one else sees you like I
I doubt a soul has even tried.
For you were the scapegoat: born to be hated.
The good you did never to be stated.
Took your humanity to make an example,
Damned in every Holy Bible…
Frozen in a lake of ice in the deepest, darkest sphere
Or burning in eternal fire far below us here.
Forgive them; they know not what they do;
They cannot see what really is you.
Yet, I’ve always felt I knew your pain,
I knew the way you felt each day
And I’d have ended my life as well
Rather than live each day in hell.

The Silent Song of the Lonely Heart

Somewhere dark and somewhere deep
Lie hidden secrets which she keeps:
Feelings she can never share
But keeps them always silent there
Words her tongue will never utter
Not to herself; not to another
Simple, quiet desperation
Loneliness and isolation
Memories of better years
Of peaceful nights devoid of tears...
Her tired hand, she reaches up
But gets no help from those above.
She lies to all and to herself;
She can’t admit when she needs help.
Her burdens too much for her only,
There is no solace for the lonely.
The only peace she found in sleep
Silent, dark, eternal, deep…

You Didn't Say You Loved Me

I didn't know you loved me
'Til I saw your heart was broken
That I should leave you all alone
To start a new life on my own--
And this from you I've stolen.
I don't know if Webster or Shakespeare or Austin
Could give words to describe just the way that I love him:
Eloquently understated,
Overwhelming, underrated...
I can't even breathe.
Now I don't want to leave.
And if we're meant to last,
We'll be standing in the end.
And if you're just my past,
A tear stained letter I will send
Telling you goodbye my love;
For once in life I'll cry my love.
I don't know if poets in eighty score years
Will be moved to smile silent or brush away tears
At the beauty,
At the grace
Of the look
Upon your face...
You need not say a word;
My stoic heart has heard.
And as I smile with my eyes
My lips will say their last goodbyes.
Are we dead or sleeping?
I know we must be dreaming.
It seems too good, it can't be real
And I know exactly how you feel.
I didn't know you loved me
Until I saw your heart was broken,
But the shady groves which call me--
Fenced by jasmine and the sea--
Know what your heart had spoken
When you didn't say you loved me.