Hope

I've never been so foolish
so stupid and so blind
to think that you would ever
want to change your one-track mind.
But everybody wants to hope;
it stays the feeling you're alone.
We hope that some day, maybe,
or at some point down the line
that this is that and on and on
if stars would just align.
But hope is for the helpless,
I guess I know that now,
and I will never hope again
for I am far too proud.

Untitled as of yet

It's all I ever wanted;
it's all and somehow more.
It's beautiful and perfect,
it's true and strong and pure.
This feeling in my bones,
in my heart and in my head;
this feeling that I know
I'll never get to feel again.
I used to think "the one"
was a fable, was a lie--
only real in fairy tales
to make sweet women cry.
But then I found you,
found my love,
found the substance
dreams are made of.
So never will I want again
to feel another on my skin.
Never will my dreams be dark
for you have opened up my heart.
I love you now
and tomorrow the same
I'll love you until
the world has no name.
Until the sun
is empty space,
until the very
end of days.
And I know you don't feel for me
the way I feel for you
so you'll keep searching, diligent,
to find a love as true.
So go my love
please go and find
whatever it is
you lack inside.
Whatever it is
I could not be,
love her now
instead of me.
I promise I'll be fine;
I know I'll be alright
because my heart has felt
a love for which others pine.
Because all good things shall meet their end
and this, our end has come,
just know I'll look for love no more
for you, you were my one.

Tangled Webs and Tangos (written a little while ago, but I like it)

You are hurting her
And you’re killing me;
What a sorry two step--
Your dance of deceit.
And you lie to her
When you lie with me;
What a very sordid,
Tangled web you have weaved.
I won’t be your other
I will only be your one,
So I will only love you
When her love is done.

You tell me to be patient
And you tell me to be strong
But I won’t wait forever,
Turn around and I’ll be gone.
You say you want to see it play out
But how else can it end
When you play her,
Like you have played her?

Mon cher, I’d swim the ocean--
I swear I’d walk for days
If you were on the other side,
If it’s you this time who’ll wait.
But I will bow out gracefully
And I’ll accept defeat
If you tell me that you love her
More than you love me.

Darling love don’t lie to me,
I’ve been lied to in the past
And if all you have are gilded lies
Then take all your love back.
I don’t want to wait for you
If you’ll never be with me;
I don’t want to see it through
If you’ll end up cheating me too
Like you always do.

They look at me with hateful eyes
But you’re the one who’s telling lies.
The words they use like acid scar;
A hundred knives into my heart.
They tell me I should think of her
But no one ever thinks of me.
The only wrong I ever did
Was fall for you and not break free.

You will lose her;
You will lose me.
Not a threat,
Just the simple reality.
It’s hurting you
And it’s killing me
To watch us die
For this toxic dream.

You are hurting her
And you’re killing me;
I cannot keep in time with you
For I have two left feet.
My love, I cannot lie with you
It’s you who lies to me;
Caught up like a butterfly
Inside the web you weaved.
I won’t be your other
I will only be your one,
So I can never love you,
I will never love you
I am done.

The Internal Battle

To say the words, it isn’t hard
but lost somewhere between head and heart
they stick like tar tight to my throat
as Reason forms her mighty mote
to keep me from my own downfall
She never lets me love at all.
For if I say them and they’re said
the dream is, in an instant, dead.
Yes, those are words one can’t unsay—
words to take your breath away,
words which launch ships to the sea,
words never meant for you and me.
Yet, long to say them, know I do
I’ve never meant them before you.
Though somehow simpler they were to state
before they carried such a weight.
If I could screw my courage to some mighty sticking place
I would sing them to the world, and harder, to your face.
Should I risk that which we are
to put my fate on shooting stars;
for if you didn’t feel the same
all my love would be in vain.
So for now I’ll keep still the words
which nigh could change my fragile world.

Humiliation and Healing

For Caitlin: may he be but a bitter line in a memoir otherwise filled with love and beauty

I thought that someday I'd be strong,
I thought that I'd be fine,
but someday can't come soon enough
when all you have is time.
It's funny, though you've won the battle,
I will win the war;
for though you were my everything,
another will be more.
You're something less than human
yet, you think you're far above.
You, my friend, are lonely:
incapable of love.
Of myself I make a fool;
lose composure, lose my pride,
but you have lost much more than that
you're empty deep inside.
So next time cavalries should meet
I will not surrender or retreat.
I will look you in the eyes
and sweetly will I say,
"I wish you all which you deserve
and have a pleasant day."
For you'll deserve whatever comes,
whatever your life brings:
You will get your fire
and I will get my wings.
And maybe I'm still hurting;
still fragile and afraid,
but none of that can be as bad
as the bed, yourself, you've made.

You Didn't Say You Loved Me

I didn't know you loved me
'Til I saw your heart was broken
That I should leave you all alone
To start a new life on my own--
And this from you I've stolen.
I don't know if Webster or Shakespeare or Austin
Could give words to describe just the way that I love him:
Eloquently understated,
Overwhelming, underrated...
I can't even breathe.
Now I don't want to leave.
And if we're meant to last,
We'll be standing in the end.
And if you're just my past,
A tear stained letter I will send
Telling you goodbye my love;
For once in life I'll cry my love.
I don't know if poets in eighty score years
Will be moved to smile silent or brush away tears
At the beauty,
At the grace
Of the look
Upon your face...
You need not say a word;
My stoic heart has heard.
And as I smile with my eyes
My lips will say their last goodbyes.
Are we dead or sleeping?
I know we must be dreaming.
It seems too good, it can't be real
And I know exactly how you feel.
I didn't know you loved me
Until I saw your heart was broken,
But the shady groves which call me--
Fenced by jasmine and the sea--
Know what your heart had spoken
When you didn't say you loved me.